Why Come Out?

Let me put the question in its context.  To me, coming out starts with the realization of your sexuality, then publicly acknowledging it, acting according to this sexuality, in a manner consistent with what you think it is, and not restraining your behaviour because of other people.  But is this the only option? Are there any other ways to be real to your sexuality without public announcement and pride parade?

The reason why I asked these questions is because I’ve already come out to quite a lot of people already and soo many times and with different ideas about myself. Originally I thought I am straight, then I came out as gay when I felt attraction with men, then I thought I am straight  when I fell in love with and married my ex-wife, then I thought I am bisexual so my wife had to divorce me. Now I am too confused what I am and had to make sense with what is happening with myself. So to which side do I come out? Do I even have to come out?

This is the reason for this blog, to revisit the pros and cons of coming out. Why do people have the urge to choose sides anyway: straight, gay or  bisexual? Here are a list of pros and cons that I’ve come up with to help me decide.

Pros for coming out:

1.  There is no need to cover up, or to get stressed about my sexuality. When people know about my sexuality, people come to expect how I am behaving or why. They may not like it, but there is no surprise. Most people would understand. This has a negative flipside though (see con#2).

2. It will be easier to find a partner or special someone, since other people of the same sexuality know (it’s public knowledge) and doesn’t have to guess.

3. I feel courageous and brave. There is social stigma on being a “sexual deviant” to the majority and in spite of this, I found my voice to say I am what I am.

Cons for coming out:

1. I have to come out to every one. There is no reason why I come out to only a few people and not to everyone. Because the reason I come out to some people are the same reason I need to come out to the rest. If I don’t come out to some of these other people, then I will be restricted in the way I act before them, because I haven’t come out to them and so must remain confined in the way I act. People can’t maintain two personas for too long.

2. I will be type-casted. If I say I’m a gay male, then I’m not supposed to be having sex in any form with women or be attracted to them. If I do, it will start to mess with my mind and life. If I come out as a bisexual male, females or males won’t really know how to treat me: a friend, or a lover? People will always have at the back of their head that I’m potentially after them sexually, but either unable to commit to them (straight females and gay males) or such a scenario is unwelcome (straight males and gay females). There will be distance and I really can’t be close to any people. If I choose to be a straight male, then all males are supposed to be off-limits and I’m not supposed to get attracted to any male. If I start to feel any attraction, I will start to doubt my judgement and confidence in myself.

3.  Coming out, although it frees me from what’s suffocating inside, doesn’t free me from being the target of discrimination. There will always be people who will talk down to me, pay me less, undervalue my work, exclude me, call me names to my face or behind my back, be polite but distant to me, or worse physically hurt me. I may prefer that all people are liberal and open minded, but its all the same preference every one has, that everyone is straight. I can’t deny reality, especially the reality that I am different from others and others aren’t at ease with it.

4. This one applies only if I come out as bisexual. If I do, then I will have fewer friends than either straight or gay people. Friendship is based on mutual interests, and by being bisexual reduces the likelihood of finding people who are bisexual-friendly. A lot of straight and gay people distrust bisexual people. Straight men have difficulty being close to gay or bisexual men, for fear that they could get labelled the same. Acquaintances are different than friends.  Straight women knows that bisexual men are not part of either in-group or out-group. They compete for the same meat and also prey on them. So bisexual males are forced to choose a side and deny a part of themselves. To be a bisexual is to be label myself in the loneliest category.

5. If I come out, men who have sex with men who are not out and won’t come out are not accessible. It adds to their cover if their lover is also not out and straight-acting. These are the men whom I have had history. It doesn’t make sense to cut this channel. Problem is, men of this type avoids commitment.

The Choice

So what do I choose? I like to reap all the pro benefits, but how can I avoid the cons? How bearable are these cons anyway? Although I have experienced con#3 earlier in my life as a kid, teenager and young adult, it doesn’t mean it’s bearable still. I don’t want any more to run through the same.  Or should I just accept them as naturally part of the territory? I think I wouldn’t feel used to them. Just have to face them with a brave face.

I’ve considered “acting out” instead of “coming out”. This is not a radical concept, just a tweaking of the coming out concept. The difference? Don’t publicly tell everyone I am gay or bi. Feel free to get attracted to whomever I like and carry on with it. Don’t acknowledge to myself that I am gay or bi or straight either. Don’t commit to any of these labels. And that is one of the reasons why I like to believe I am a free-spirit (there are other reasons), in that I can do whatever I want. Then I do away with con#1 and #2.

But con#4 is what really is killing me. There is dearth of people who are of the same mind as I am. Too few people who have reached the same level of mental state or journey as I do, or maybe  they are all out there just not visible to me since they too have blended well like me.

I also find this “coming out” affair ridiculous. Straight people don’t come out. Straight people don’t suddenly realize they’re straight, unless maybe their parents are not straight. So why come out? Why not just flirt with that nice guy/chick in the corner and not worry about labels?

Well, I am not any farther than where I started. It doesn’t really make sense to think through with my problems, hoping to walk the path of least suffering. My heart has its own reasons. All it ever wanted is to find someone who would love it in the same way that it love.

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